The Quran says: “And if you fear a breach between the two, appoint an arbiter from his relatives and an arbiter from her relatives. If they both desire reconciliation Allah will effect harmony between them. Verily Allah has full knowledge, and is aware of everything.” (Surah An-Nisa 4:35)

A marriage and a possible divorce involve more people than just the two spouses. It affects children, parents, and entire families. Before a decision is made about divorce, then, it is only fair to involve family elders in an attempt at reconciliation. Family members know each party personally, including their strengths and weaknesses, and would hopefully have their best interests at heart. If they approach the task with sincerity, they may be successful in helping the couple work their issues out.

Some couples are reluctant to involve family members in their difficulties. One must remember, though, that a divorce would affect them as well—in their relationships with grandchildren, nieces, nephews, etc. and in the responsibilities, they would face in helping each spouse develop an independent life. So the family will be involved, one way or the other. For the most part, family members would prefer the opportunity to help while it is still possible.

If this attempt fails, after all due efforts, then it is recognized that divorce may be the only option. The couple proceeds to a divorce. The procedures for actually filing for divorce depend on whether the move is initiated by the husband or the wife.

When a divorce is initiated by the husband, it is known as talaq. The pronouncement by the husband may be verbal or written, and should only be done once. Since the husband is seeking to break the ​marriage contract, the wife has full rights to keep the dowry (mahr) paid to her.

If the wife initiates a divorce, there are two options. In the first case, the wife may choose to return her dowry to end the marriage. She forgoes the right to keep the dowry since she is the one seeking to break the marriage contract. This is known as khul’a. On this topic, the Quran says, “It is not lawful for you (men) to take back any of your gifts except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah. There is no blame on either of them if she gives something for her freedom. These are the limits ordained by Allah so do not transgress them” (Quran 2:229).

In the second case, the wife may choose to petition an Imam for divorce, with a cause. She is required to offer proof that her husband had not fulfilled his responsibilities. In this situation, it would be unjust to expect her to also return the dowry. The Imam makes a determination based on the facts of the case and the law of the land.

In Canada,  a separate legal process of divorce is required. This usually involves filing a petition with a local court, or a registry observing a waiting period, attending hearings, and obtaining a legal decree of divorce. This legal procedure may be sufficient for an Islamic divorce if it also satisfies Islamic requirements.

In any Islamic divorce procedure, there is a three-month waiting period before the divorce is finalized.

After a declaration of divorce, Islam requires a three-month waiting period (called the iddah) before the divorce is finalized.

During this time, the couple has time to calm down, evaluate the relationship, and perhaps reconcile. Sometimes decisions are made in haste and anger, and later one or both parties may have regrets. During the waiting period, the husband and wife are free to resume their relationship at any time, thus ending the divorce process without the need for a new marriage contract. (But they must record the reconciliation with the Imam)

Another reason for the waiting period is a way of determining whether the wife is expecting a child. If the wife is pregnant, the waiting period continues until after she has delivered the child. During the entire waiting period, the wife has the right to remain in the family home and the husband is responsible for her support.

If the waiting period is completed without reconciliation, the divorce is complete and takes full effect. The husband’s financial responsibility for the wife ends, and she often returns to her own family home. However, the husband continues to be responsible for the financial needs of any children, through regular child support payments.

In the event of a divorce, children often bear the most painful consequences. Islamic law takes their needs into account and makes sure that they are cared for.

The financial support of any children—both during a marriage or after divorce—rests solely with the father. This is the children’s right upon their father, and courts have the power to enforce child support payments, if necessary. The amount is open for negotiation and should be in proportion to the husband’s financial means.

The Quran advises the husband and wife to consult each other in a fair manner regarding their children’s future after divorce (2:233). This verse specifically holds that infants who are still nursing may continue to breastfeed until both parents agree on the period of weaning through “mutual consent and counsel.” This spirit should define any co-parenting relationship.

Islamic law stipulates that physical custody of the children must go to a Muslim who is in good physical and mental health and is in the best position to meet the children’s needs. Different jurists have established various opinions on how this might best be done. Some have ruled that custody is awarded to the mother if the child is under a certain age, and to the father if the child is older. Others would allow older children to express a preference. Generally, it is recognized that young children and girls are best cared for by their mother.

Since there are differences of opinion among Islamic scholars about child custody, one might find variations in local law. In all cases, however, the main concern is that the children are cared for by a fit parent who can meet their emotional and physical needs.

After the waiting period is over, the divorce is finalized. It is best for the couple to formalize the divorce in the presence of the two witnesses, verifying that the parties have fulfilled all of their obligations. At this time, the wife is free to remarry if she wishes.

Islam discourages Muslims from going back and forth about their decisions, engaging in emotional blackmail, or leaving the other spouse in limbo. The Quran says, “When you divorce women and they fulfill the term of their Iddat, either take them back on equitable terms or set them free on equitable terms; but do not take them back to injure them, (or) to take undue advantage. If anyone does that, he wrongs his own soul…” (Quran 2:231) Thus, the Quran encourages a divorced couple to treat each other amicably, and to sever ties neatly and firmly.

If a couple decides to reconcile, after the divorce is finalized, they must start over with a new contract and a new dowry (mahr). To prevent damaging yo-yo relationships, there is a limit on how many times the same couple may marry and divorce. If a couple decides to remarry after a divorce, this can only be done twice. The Quran says, “Divorce is to be given two times, and then (a woman) must be retained in a good manner or released gracefully.” (Quran 2:229)

After divorcing and remarrying twice, if the couple then decides to divorce again, it is clear that there is a major problem in the relationship! Therefore in Islam, after the third divorce, the couple may not remarry again. First, the woman must seek fulfillment in marriage to a different man. Only after she is divorced or widowed from this second marriage partner, would it be possible for her to reconcile again with her first husband if they choose.

This may seem like a strange rule, but it serves two main purposes. First, the first husband is less likely to initiate a third divorce in a frivolous manner, knowing that the decision is irrevocable. One will act with more careful consideration. Secondly, it may be that the two individuals were simply not a good match for each other. The wife may find happiness in a different marriage. Or she may realize, after experiencing marriage with someone else, that she wishes to reconcile with her first husband after all.